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​Being with Edji was like flying in open blue skies. A breath of fresh air, Freedom! Everything happened so quickly.  I treasure and love him. Without him, the delusion may well have continued. Thank you, Baba!

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From the moment I saw Edji, there was a confirmation that he is the one who will finish me off as a separate bubble. I pleaded with him to accept me as his student. I waited anxiously for his email, petrified that he might turn me away. On Valentine's Day, he replied. A brief message with his outstanding method of self-enquiry. He asked me to report back in a week. I did not fully comprehend the practice, but I was in a state of obedience and devotion. The worry to do it right did not arise. It was more about the guru's grace, not my capability to get it.   I wanted to report back, but I did not have the words to describe a whole new depth that I was thrown into. After weeks of wondering how to encapsulate my new state in words,  it dawned on me that I was fast asleep and wide awake at the same time. My headspace felt empty and heavy at the same time, My body felt hollow and barely there. The feeling there is ''nowt to do'' took hold at a cellular level. Nowt to do resounded, not exactly in my head but everywhere in my hollowed out inner space and sometimes it was also felt outside the body, say in the corner of the room and yet day to day chores of family life carried on how they were meant to.  I reported back to Baba. His reply, ''You are flying towards the target like an arrow'' opened the floodgates of grace. 

I noticed that my chase is over.  It felt imminent, and even if I were to change my mind about finding Self, it's happening all the same. It was out of my hands now, and it felt so good. 

I often sensed myself sliding down a glass dome with nothing to hang on to. It did not scare me. Nor did I want to hold onto anything. All the hooks, grasps and tricks of the conditioned mind had been banished by the guru's presence in my life. A freefall was finally happening! 

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The Miracle Of a True Guru. Unraveling in Sleep

After that email, the past and the conditioned mind started to be exhausted in dreams. I sleep, and everything unfolds. The magic of a realized guru, that! I dreamed elaborate dreams each night, stretching almost the entire night and reconnecting back if I woke up for some reason. Guru's grace was felt even in dreams. There was a clear sense of hurtling towards IT even in deep sleep. Osho, Guruswamig and gurus from my childhood appeared in dreams, smiling, looking pleased. The dreams were mostly of sliding along a waterfall, flying on a jet aircraft, or escaping a prison. Once sliding along a long fall and ending up in the cupped hands of Osho. The clear sense that the guru has got me. In another dream, I was in a  Chinese prison with other women. I don't know exactly how I managed it, but the lady guard appeared to be pleased with me, and she unlocked the door for me with her exceptionally large key.  You are let out when consciousness is pleased with you.  Consciousness frees you from HER prison when SHE feels like it.

 

The night before 'popping', the setting of one of those all-night long dreams was a bleak, dismal building; was it a hospital?  A heavy security place with endless dark corridors, high ceilings, huge heavy doors and thousands of rooms with sick, depraved people, doctors equally depraved and sick, and I was wandering room to room, looking for a way out, desperate to get the hell out of that place. ''I am not gonna get out'' and then walk down one of the long passageways with a huge door at the end. Hoping against hope, I opened the latch, lo and behold it was open! Shaking inside, I stepped out, Large reptilian creatures were meant to be guarding the place. They were asleep, intoxicated or just very low consciousness, I tiptoed past them. Took another step, and it was bright sunlight, a tidy town, and people. I had a sense that this is America. It was very bright in comparison to a moment ago, but it felt plastic and somewhat dead. I walked a step or two and turned a corner, and the place was heartfelt and soulful.  It was India. I felt ''This is more like it!'' spotted a close friend from college. I  said,  ''Come along, I'll show you God''. I woke up as soon as I said that.

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​Effortless, It Absolutely Must Be...

A month before dissolving- We were going away for a month's holiday in Europe. My thoughts were that I am going deep within this entire month and finishing this seeking business. I found myself packing tens of film DVDs. Odd, but if it is happening, I don't get in the way. During this time away, I did not shut my eyes once. I simply could not.  I ogled the whole time. I watched DVDs on the roll. I witnessed letting go in action. For years, I had not watched telly because I used to dedicate every spare moment to my search. I still can't shut my eyes for any reason other than to briefly rest them. Eyes wide open!​

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The Blessed Day:  It was the morning of December 2010.  Later that day, I clocked the date on the bottom right of the laptop. It was the 11th of December, Osho's birthday.  Of course!

I call it 'popping', rather than awakening or enlightenment.  The bubble of separation burst, merging me into the whole, a state that I can never fully describe. Words fail in this context, regardless of the language. My initial reaction wasn’t bliss or joy; instead, it was a profound numbness, like the background noise of my mind had been turned off. Contrary to what some might expect, there was no euphoria, just a raw, intense anger at the realization that I had spent my entire life searching for something that was always right here. The wrath was intense but passed quickly, replaced by tears of relief and laughter at the absurdity of the whole pursuit of seeking and finding. Naturally, after reaching that state, it became just another experience. I do not need to cling to that experience because this state is permanent. There is no need to nurture or maintain it. It is the abiding principle

 

​Awakening/Enlightenment is unremarkable from my perspective 

From my present perspective, experiences of awakening and enlightenment feel quite unremarkable. I know that I wouldn’t be able to find peace, live fully, or embrace death without merging with my true self. If that hadn’t happened, I would still be searching and longing for it. However, now that it is accomplished, it has become a non-essential aspect of life.

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What is the reason for this?

I appreciate this is a post-realisation perspective. Understanding it intellectually did not quench me. But from the No-Mind perspective, you are that, whether you realize that it is not. From my perspective, the only thing that matters is if you are living beautifully. This understanding dawned on me the very next moment after realization. However, when Osho said this, I felt resentment; it seemed to me that he had reached that understanding but didn't want me to arrive at the same realization. 

 

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​The primary focus of my seeking was on Guru-Bhakti. While Edji initiated me into self-enquiry, my devotion to him yielded rapid results. There is no doubt about that. Devotion is the easiest and most powerful way out of suffering.

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I don't give you any tricks, techniques, know-how, dos, don'ts, mantras or rituals. I am a direct response to your deepest energies. I have no set teaching. I read your energetic grid and clear what needs clearing.  Crazy Wisdom responds and says all she needs to. I don't get in the way. Shakti picks her timing, strikes and gets results. Her timing is impeccable. I let HER dance as SHE wishes.  Over time, you will master the art of staying out of the way, too. 

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​I am HOME. My functionality naturally reflects the living peace within. As you rub against me, so to speak, your energy starts to purify. Your conditioned mind starts to fall away. You settle down a little more each day. 

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 I love igniting the flame of your true self, your pure inborn intelligence, so you can also live a beautiful life. 

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​As we interact, change starts at the very core of you. It's usually a casual yet profoundly transformative interaction. Our meeting ignites your awareness and a Tsunami of evolution.

I am not the doer in any of this. No one is. It's all a spontaneous Leela, 

 

I am living my life having the most fun humanely possible, yet pleasantly detached from it at the same time. One can only start having fun when the mind is no longer in the driving seat. With self-realization comes a fullness in life. The smallest of things please me. I was never one to chase after dreams, now there is no one left to entertain dreams. Life is so auspicious that it keeps getting better every day without any interference on my part. Students experience the same dynamic activated in their lives, too.